I want to raise awareness of a strange phenomenon that occurs when you are female in your middle to late forties. All you young females wandering round thinking you are all important need to be made aware of this strange force, a force so strong it renders you invisible to the naked eye. It suddenly bestows upon you from nowhere. The force is variable in depth but if you are fat and middle-aged then it is particularly strong.
Its a favourite study of mine. I’m even writing a book about it. If you are middle-aged and I’m around and I am intently staring at you then you are part of my study. I first became aware of it a few years ago. Often bemused by it but now I make a habit of studying it, to collect snippets for my book, in the hope of raising awareness but maybe my invisibility may make me enough money to retire early so I can be invisible in my own little world.
A glimpse into this world. You will all remember the reaction that Susan Boyle got when she appeared on Britains Got Talent. Eye rollingly .. what the actually f@ck does this fat middle aged woman think she doing coming on here wanting to be Elaine Page. This is a glimpse of, what it’s like. Obviously this is to show and not real life but the reactions to this middle aged woman albeit eggararated are typical in a middle aged females world.
Once the force is active don’t expect to be served in your rightful order. I often found myself stopping short of doing cartwheels and headstands in restaurants to get a waiter’s attention. There will always be someone more important than yourselves to be served. Engagement with an aged one is not the done thing.
Queues … for years people have been pushing in front of me. That’s expected , I’m invisible . Well a new phenomenon has just started occurring and I’ve not quite fathomed it out yet. Think need more research. It came to a head during this years London Marathon. I was queueing for the portal Oo, as you do. The queue was 6 deep, all in a single file one behind the other. Until this young girl came and stood next to me on my right hand side. I looked at her. Pondered. I wanted to say to her ‘Why are you standing there” it’s was seriously upsetting my OCD. I stood there for a while. She didn’t moved. I just thought I can’t be arsed with this and run off and joined back in the race. Apart from in being a marathon and wanted to be running not in a toilet queue. Maybe I should have stayed to see what would have happened. It was the realisation that this was not the first time this happened. I’d not really paid any attention to it before. In my head it’s like they have registered you are not there but cannot move in to your space because you are still there, you are just invisible. So to justify their pace in the queue they move next to you. This needs further research.
Don’t expect help on the underground if you are carrying something heavy. This was a particular experiment of mine. I used to go to London on the train quite a bit (in my more important days). At my heaviest in weight, lugging my overnight bags and a laptop case. Struggling to get them on the train. Anyone that knows me, know I don’t travel light. Would anyone help me? Oh noooo “Don’t want to be seen talking to the fat ode scrote” Fast forward a couple years later and I have lost 5 stone. I’m not kidding, I had to fight 3 blokes off wanting to help me.
Another incredible time my force field was particularly active was when I owned a cafe. The cafe was connected to the local council swimming baths. Every now and again we would get our doorstep bread stuck in the toaster causing smoke and setting the fire alarms off. If you were ever in Queen Street Baths on a Saturday morning and had evacuate the pool because of the alarms I apologise profusely. Pesky toast. Anyhow the alarms would trigger a visit from a council fire brigade staff . So I’m there in my cafe with customers eating brekkie and my male middle-aged staff member. Fireman engaged in a conversation with my staff member. I’m concerned that we are following procedure properly and want to engage in the conversation .. well bugger me .. force field active .. I’m invisible. To the extent my staff member had to say to said fireman …”actually could you talk to this lady as she is the owner and I just work for her” . No apologies ensued.
Trying to make a point in a group of people. This is an interesting case study in itself. I am often walking a perilous tight rope between being interrupted or getting shot down before I’ve made my point. Or I’ll explain something and then someone else will repeat what I have said. That’s what I have just said…. isn’t it.
What has changed, you ask yourself? In your head, you are still the same, give or take a few wrinkles and some grey hair. But something has definitely changed for the world around. Around one’s mid forties, it is like a giant switch gets switched off and a woman morphs into some sort of translucency that makes her there but not quite there.
There are many pros to being invisible. It liberates you in some ways. There is a sense of freedom to be able to go anywhere and know that no eyes are on you. Sometimes you can walk right past people and they won’t even register your presence, which is wonderful when you want to make a quick exit or just want quiet time. You can listen in to conversations because most people don’t even realise you are around, and speak unhindered. Being fly on the wall is always much more fun than being in the thick of conversation to me. I realise this is the perfect age for me to actually seriously contemplate my lifelong ambition of being a spy now that I have my own invisibility cloak.
I have created a Facebook group to help share our plight. Review our study analysis and generally laugh at the world.